The Cult of the Green Smoothie

(That title works best if you sing it in the style of this song.)

There are many things in life that people don't warn you about; overplucking your eyebrows, forgetting to moisturise daily, why it's imperative to carry hand sanitiser on the London Underground, why opening a jar of peanut butter and picking up a spoon will be the end of your skinny jeans ... and so forth.

I recently encountered this with the cult of the green smoothie. I make no denial here; I am in so deep with this cult that it's a daily ritual that I love and wax lyrical to  anyone who is mad enough to engage with me on the subject (my admin gets it every day when she asks me what's in my smoothie jar for lunch), however there are certain aspects (I want to say side-effects, but that's too severe) that NO ONE seems to tell you about. As an active member of the healthy living blog community and Pinterest addict you'd think someone would have covered these things, right? NOPE.

So here I am, your smoothie-guzzling saviour, here to tell you some of the interesting aspects of the cult of green smoothie that no one will have told you before you embark on this dietary experiment.

You thought everyone who drank them was a pretentious tosser. Turns out, you're wrong. Really wrong. I'm hardly pretentious (Choosy, yes. Sometimes non-committal and indecisive, but not pretentious) but I love these bloody things. I think I've gone through all more reasons in this post and you can find plenty of the health benefits of blending/juicing/raw health if you google, I'm merely saying that we're not all pretentious wankers. Now leave me to my raw-non-dairy-meal-substitute thanks, rah!

Pretentious? Dude, I'm typing this on a Monday at 2pm in my pyjamas. 

Day 5 into a Green smoothie plan is gastrointestinal action day! Well, you up your fibre and water content (green smoothies also give you serious thirst) and what do you think will happen? Not only does your entire body clear out you actually feel like total shit too. I had to have a day in bed to sleep on day five, I felt awful. It passed overnight and then I woke up fine the next morning, but on day 5 I was ready to eat sugar until this 'healthy' feeling went the hell away. Bloody clean eating. 

Day 7/8 brings the itching. Okay, now this one is WEIRD but it kinda makes sense. I came home from work at the end of day 7 and felt like my skin was on fire. I'm very sensitive of skin; it's usually dry, winter and central heating certainly do not help, but MY GOD I wanted to take my skin off on this day. I'm informed this can be toxins leaving your body through your skin, which is why a lot of people tend to dry-brush when having a diet cleanse. Huh. I decided to Soap & Glory scrub in the shower for a good exfoliation and then smothered myself in Brazil nut body butter before bed. I woke up feeling fine again and smelling like cake.

Moisturise me!

Green Smoothies are great for getting back on track after an indulgent weekend and help hangovers. Okay, the second point is the most impressive part, right? This was test-driven after a particularly heavy/late night of drinking and dancing in Piccadilly Circus when my BFF came to visit. Then next day I made a green hydration smoothie and as much as I was tired I wasn't feeling dead or poisoned from alcohol. ITS A MIRACLE.

They cannot make you like something you do not want to eat. I'm a pretty open-minded girl and I persevere with food, trying things I say I don't like several times just to see if I'm still dead-set against it or if my tastes have changed. My prime example for this is beetroot, I'm yet to find a version of this stuff I like that isn't in crisp form , alas it has not happened. I tried adding it to a smoothie, I found a great recipe and made it up, and I guess it wasn't that bad overall but I could still taste that earthy flavour that beetroot has underneath it all. So I tried, again, and failed with it. I'll stick with the crisps, thanks.

The beetroot smoothie. NEVER AGAIN.

You don't need to use top-end fancy ingredients. In fact, is that fruit on the turn? Throw it in the blender. I'm not saying use stuff that's waaaaaay past it's best, but you'd be amazed how much extra life you can get out of some fresh produce. Basically you can make perfectly good smoothies on Sunday afternoons when you're clearing out the fridge to put the food recycling out. Be a bit fearless.

I'm so glad I got into this whole green thing, it's proving so lovely and beneficial to me but my advice would be start on a Monday so that you can sleep through the rest of the less pleasant aspects over a weekend and get onto the good stuff in the swing of a new week.

I can't be the only person that these things have happened to, right? RIGHT?!
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1 comment:

  1. Great post! And I think us green smoothie lovers are a big of a cult aren't we ;-) I am definitely in need of a green smoothie week or two, I'm just waiting for the warmer weather to kick in!