Letting Shit Go

Funny story, two recent posts on here were on the same two subjects I wrote about when I started this reincarnation of my blog three years ago. It's made me realise how much my life has changed in the last three years but also recognising that those posts (in fact, this entire blog) were the start of a new phase in my life.

With that in mind, I decided a few weeks ago that it was time to let go of the one last thing from my 'old' life that I'd been holding on to - my food & fitness blog.

(You can blame Facebook for this post, it's always bloody Facebook that sends people into a spin, isn't it?)

The On This Day thing threw up an old blog post from a good 5 years ago, back when I was well into health & fitness or, to be perfectly honest, obsessing about food and overexercising in a desperate attempt to not gain any weight. 

I'm not proud of this, but I'm also not embarrassed because I'm a firm believer that you cannot get to point C in life without going through A and B, so without all that I wouldn't be where I am today. However, I decided it was time to take that blog out of the ether.

I'd hate someone who was having a low self-esteem, or bad body confidence day to find that blog and think that's the life they have to craft to feel better about themselves because 1) it's impossible, as I hid so much from my posts, especially the damage dieting was doing to my mental health and 2) because being that obsessed about calorie intake, calorie burns and maintaining a small dress size is no way to live a happy life.

I feel like I can say that now from a point of wisdom. I've been bigger, I've been smaller, I've come to just be. Size now means nothing to me. Weight means nothing to me. Calories mean nothing to me. 

Because none of these things matter to who YOU authentically are

When I was a lot younger (around age 16/17) I had bundles of self-confidence. Some of the teenage girls I associated with didn't like it, they thought I was big headed, but I just liked the way I looked. I can't remember what dress size I wore then (my guess is 14-16) but I didn't really worry about it. I wore what I wanted, I ate what I wanted and I exercised a few times a week. All in all, I felt great about myself.

Then in my twenties, Weight Watchers happened. 

As much as I felt appreciative at the time for what that diet club did for me, I no longer feel that way. It tied my self-esteem and self-worth to a number on a scale. In fact, every diet since has done the same. Diets ruined my body confidence. I only ever felt worthy if I kept within a weight range, or ate a certain way, or exercised a certain number of calories off. Food had a scary power over me; it was reward, it was punishment, it was guilt, it was something I couldn't be trusted with.

Fucking food! The stuff we use for fuel, fun and health. I ruined it for myself by believing some dumbass faux-health dogma. And you know what the worst thing is? These diet clubs now have the audacity to market themselves as 'healthy eating' and 'healthy lifestyle' clubs. But they weigh you every week when you attend? GET IN THE FRIGGING SEA.

Diet mentality taken almost 2 years for me to shift. You thought losing weight was hard? Trust me, losing diet mentality is harder, and I have a short memory. Everyone has their way of doing it and what works great for one person might not for another (like a diet, LOL, IRONY ALARM) as it's a very sensitive, personal thing and therefore all you can do is listen to yourself. Trust your intuition. Not Points or Syns or whatever the fuck else you call them. Not using Fitbits to track your every move and dictate to you how much you're allowed to eat today. 

Just listen to you. Your body really does know best. It won't stuff you full. It won't starve you. It will ask for exactly what it needs.

Listening to my body meant I had to gain weight. 

Weight gain for me was the most terrifying thing. It was the worst thing. I couldn't think of anything worse than gaining weight and people commenting on it. 

Newsflash: I gained weight and no one has commented on it. 

I thought I'd feel so ashamed of how I looked and want to hide.

Newsflash: I think I look great. In fact I have more body confidence now than I've had during my whole adult life.  

I thought I'd never be able to eat well or exercise as well if I gained weight, I'd automatically be lazy. 

Newsflash: I eat what my body needs, wants and I exercise better now than I've done for years, on my terms, with no fitness trackers, and just for fun. 

Basically, I had to rewire my brain and remove all this negativity about weight gain and fatphobia and body image. I had to go back to 17 year old me and live on her terms. It's the best thing I've ever done.

No one cares what you look like. No one cares that you eat clean. No one cares what you weigh. No one cares how many calories you burned today.

But if you care SO MUCH that it's stressing you out and you lose hours per day thinking and/or worrying about it, it ruins your holiday or weekend away and makes you no fun to be around,  you might want to take a step back and go talk to someone about it. 

So, my old blog has been made private. I'm not hiding it due to fierce embarrassment of that part of my life, I can't hide it, it was who I was, how I felt and what I did to myself for YEARS. I'm really proud of the writing I did, I just don't like the content. That content is not me. Turns out, it never really was.

(There's also the small admin matter of having sponsored posts on there, which I cannot be bothered to declare and therefore making it private is the easiest way to keep it all for my reference but remove it from public digestion.) 

There's been a lot of me changes in the last three years, and as far as this one is concerned, it's for the better. 

You go do you, as authentically as you can. 

Authentic me wears flouncy shirts to work. YAAAS. 

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  1. Glad to hear things are going so well. You made a brave change in your life and it sounds like it was all for the best.

    1. Thanks Fiona. And thanks for stopping by :)

  2. I think most women have been through some kind of weight loss/diet issue in their lives. I'm glad you were able to shake off the diet mentality. I know I never will, but it's personal preference. I definitely think age plays a part too, I find as I'm getting older I don't care how people perceive me and I'm a lot comfier in my own skin now than I was say 5 years ago :)
    Sadly it's still a huge issue out there and social media doesn't help at all!

    1. Age definitely helps, for sure!

      Social media need not be a bad thing here, I only follow body positive and body diverse accounts and if you look at different bodies than what society and the media offer you, you start getting the correct perception of diversity back.